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leavemealone49
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Name: april
Metro: San Francisco
Birthday: 4/9/1988
Gender: Female
Interests: playing maple story- bera, readin fanfics, sleeping, reading intersting books, sleeping, listening to a broad range of music, movies, tennis, sleeping, daydreaming, anime: naruto, prince of tennis, inuyasha,
and oyea, did i mention sleeping?
Expertise: procrasination. need any advice? just ask
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  leavemealone49
MSN: tenipuri49@hotmail.com
Member Since:
10/17/2003
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| Somewhere in America, next week...
Dad: Son, come in here, we need to talk. Son: What's up, Dad?
Dad: There's a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it?
Son: I don't believe, if I understand the definition of
"scratch the car", that I can say, truthfully, that I did not
scratch the car.
Dad: Well, it wasn't there yesterday, and you drove the car
last night, and no one else has driven it since. How can you
explain the scratch? Son: Well, as I've said before, I have no
recollection of scratching the car. While it is true that I did
take the car out last night, I did not scratch it.
Dad: But your sister, Monica, has told me she saw you back the
car against the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a
loud scraping sound, saw you get out to examine the car, and
then drive away. So again I'll ask you, yes or no, did you
scratch the car? Son: Oh, you mean you think you have evidence
to prove I scratched it. Well, you see, I understood you to
mean did "I" scratch the car. I stand by my earlier statement,
that I did not scratch the car.
Dad: Are you trying to tell me you didn't drive the car into
the mailbox? Son: Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the
car into the street. I mishandled the steering of the car, and
it resulted in direct contact with the mailbox, though that was
clearly not my intent.
Dad: So you are then saying that you did hit the mailbox? Son:
No sir, that's not my statement. I'll refer you back to my
original statement that I did not scratch the car.
Dad: But the car did hit the mailbox, and the car did get
scratched as a result of this contact? Son: Well, yes, I
suppose you could look at it that way.
Dad: So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch car?
Son: No. No, that's not correct. Your question was "Did I
scratch the car?". From a strict legal definition, as I
understood the meaning of that sentence, I did not scratch the
car... the mailbox did... I was merely present when the
scratching occurred. So my answer of "No" when you asked "Did I
scratch the car" was legally correct, although I did not
volunteer information.
Dad: Where did you learn to talk like a complete idiot? Son:
From The President of the United States. | | |
| The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an
early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight
away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a
straight line between any two parts of the general's body, with the
general getting to select any pair of points he wished.
The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man
to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He
walked out with a check of $720,000.
The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of
his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a
check for $960,000.
When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to
measure, he told the pension man ... "From the tip of my penis to the
bottom of my testicles."
The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to
reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had
received. The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be
fine, but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring.
The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop the pants. He
did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's
penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said. "Where are your
testicles?"
The general replied, "In Vietnam." | | |
| Why did the chicken cross the road? MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the
Chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road!" And the chicken crossed
the road, and there was much rejoicing.
AGENT MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How
many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe
it?
RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat,
the chicken did NOT cross the road.
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why
doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this
chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken
crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000,
which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your
important documents, and balance your checkbook.
OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross
the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the
same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the
chicken crossing?"
DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been
naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically
dispositioned to cross roads.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you will see, represents the black
man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample
him and keep him down.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens
will be free to cross roads without having their motives called
into question.
GRANDP
A: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that
was good enough for us.
MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road.
Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever
motive there was.
EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road
moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
BUDDH
A: Asking this questions denies your own chicken nature.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road; it
transcended it.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one? | | |
| A man from the Welfare department was interviewing a lady who
had requested assistance and he was reviewing her form. He
noted that she stated that she had three sons, but only has one
name listed, "Leroy". "Yes", she replied, "All three sons are
named Leroy."
"Why would you do that?", inquired the government worker.
"It makes it much easier to get things done.", was her reply.
"Leroy, time for bath." And they all would get in the bath.
"Leroy, time for supper." And they all would come to the table.
Amazed, the government worker then inquired how did she get
personal if she wanted to talk with just one of her sons.
"Oh that's easy", she replied. "I just call them by their last
name." | | |
| A man on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead
halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic
seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving."
He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the
lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me,
Officer, what's the hold up?"
The Officer replies, "The President just found out Starr has
delivered another report to Congress and he's all depressed. He
stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's
threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on
fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the $33.5
million he owes his lawyers. I'm walking around taking up
a collection for him".
"Oh really? How much have you collected so far?" "I've got a
lot of folks still siphoning; but right now I have about three
hundred gallons." | | |
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